Taking the Pro out of Procrastination

Okay, I'll admit it...I'm a natural procrastinator. I don't procrastinate on everything, mind you--only those things most guaranteed to screw myself over. When it comes to getting stuff done for everyone else, I do...and usually in a timely enough fashion. Meanwhile, stuff for myself inevitably falls by the wayside, but then that's Mom's Law, isn't it? You'll happily kill yourself to get things done for your friends and loved ones, even if it means sacrificing yourself every. single. time. For example:

Got people coming over? The downstairs will be spotless for your guests while your master bathroom with the discreetly-closed door remains one mold spore away from become a pandemic outbreak requiring Hazmat suits and flamethrowers to clean.

Did you volunteer to help do computer work in hobby communities? Because if you did, reorganizing the bookmarks on your computer is never going to happen now. Nor is dusting. Face it, the dust is now your asthmatic roommate.

Have you been contracted to alter bridesmaids dresses and/or a wedding dress before someone's wedding? Then I guarantee you will be the one walking down the aisle with the raggedy, non-hemmed dress because no one is going to be looking at you, Cinderella.

Is someone hosting a spontaneous bake sale and requesting dozens of your ubiquitous, go-to cookies? Well, you didn't need to make yourself a birthday cake anyway, did you? Stick a candle in the one burnt cookie you culled from the herd and have yourself a par-tay.

Such is the life of the inveterate procrastinator, we who frequently rearrange our entire lives to help others or put off tedious tasks so long that neither they nor the things we could have been doing instead get done. Perhaps Jim Croce said it best: "There never seems to be enough time to do the things you want to do." That's why I still haven't finished curtains for three rooms of my house. Or why, ten months later, I still haven't gotten around to posting photos of my trip to Portugal...or updating my sewing portfolio. There's always something else that takes precedence, like meeting your 972 new relatives instead of getting your genealogy business going--as if that isn't the epitome of irony considering you wouldn't have found one without the other.

Porto, Portugal, on the River Douro (there...one down, a hundred to go).

How do we take the "pro" out of "procrastination?" Good question. I think for me that comes from creating more discipline and focus so I don't get as easily sidetracked by shinier objects on the side. My deluge of new family members seems to have stabilized and I've now met most of them. The girl child is married and settled. Nothing on the house has blown up in the last ten minutes (as Mary knocks on every available wooden surface within reach). I also think slaying the Procrastination Dragon will come from recognizing that--occasionally--it's perfectly okay to put ourselves and our needs first. How many times do any of us get on a plane and promptly ignore the dictate to put on our own oxygen mask first before attempting to help others? As women or moms we have been programmed for generations to put everyone else's needs before our own, but when we do that, we become so depleted we have nothing left with which to help others...even those most important to us.

So grab the oxygen mask, folks...sleep the extra hour if you can. Drag yourself to the next workout because you know you'll feel better afterwards if you do. Give yourself permission to say "no" from time to time. Practice self-care. When you take those moments for yourself, when you suck in that first drag of pure oxygen, it will give you the energy you need to complete tasks you don't really want to do and thus free up more time for all the things you DO want to accomplish...like finally starting up that genealogy business you've been trying to open for two years (dang prolific relatives everywhere!)

Don't think of this as a resolution, think of it as a revelation--"now listen to MY declaration!" (See what happens when you start working out to the Hamilton soundtrack?) This is going to be my year...I'm getting my business back on track and refocusing my energies to be more disciplined and successful. What will be your declaration this year? Where are you headed and how will you get there?

Now then...who wants to help me build a website and a professional blog? I'm not above trading cookies or alterations or finding dead relatives in exchange. Just saying. ;)

Taking the Pro out of Procrastination

Okay, I'll admit it...I'm a natural procrastinator. I don't procrastinate on everything, mind you--only those things most guaranteed to screw myself over. When it comes to getting stuff done for everyone else, I do...and usually in a timely enough fashion. Meanwhile, stuff for myself inevitably falls by the wayside, but then that's Mom's Law, isn't it? You'll happily kill yourself to get things done for your friends and loved ones, even if it means sacrificing yourself every. single. time. For example:

Got people coming over? The downstairs will be spotless for your guests while your master bathroom with the discreetly-closed door remains one mold spore away from become a pandemic outbreak requiring Hazmat suits and flamethrowers to clean.

Did you volunteer to help do computer work in hobby communities? Because if you did, reorganizing the bookmarks on your computer is never going to happen now. Nor is dusting. Face it, the dust is now your asthmatic roommate.

Have you been contracted to alter bridesmaids dresses and/or a wedding dress before someone's wedding? Then I guarantee you will be the one walking down the aisle with the raggedy, non-hemmed dress because no one is going to be looking at you, Cinderella.

Is someone hosting a spontaneous bake sale and requesting dozens of your ubiquitous, go-to cookies? Well, you didn't need to make yourself a birthday cake anyway, did you? Stick a candle in the one burnt cookie you culled from the herd and have yourself a par-tay.

Such is the life of the inveterate procrastinator, we who frequently rearrange our entire lives to help others or put off tedious tasks so long that neither they nor the things we could have been doing instead get done. Perhaps Jim Croce said it best: "There never seems to be enough time to do the things you want to do." That's why I still haven't finished curtains for three rooms of my house. Or why, ten months later, I still haven't gotten around to posting photos of my trip to Portugal...or updating my sewing portfolio. There's always something else that takes precedence, like meeting your 972 new relatives instead of getting your genealogy business going--as if that isn't the epitome of irony considering you wouldn't have found one without the other.

Porto, Portugal, on the River Douro (there...one down, a hundred to go).

How do we take the "pro" out of "procrastination?" Good question. I think for me that comes from creating more discipline and focus so I don't get as easily sidetracked by shinier objects on the side. My deluge of new family members seems to have stabilized and I've now met most of them. The girl child is married and settled. Nothing on the house has blown up in the last ten minutes (as Mary knocks on every available wooden surface within reach). I also think slaying the Procrastination Dragon will come from recognizing that--occasionally--it's perfectly okay to put ourselves and our needs first. How many times do any of us get on a plane and promptly ignore the dictate to put on our own oxygen mask first before attempting to help others? As women or moms we have been programmed for generations to put everyone else's needs before our own, but when we do that, we become so depleted we have nothing left with which to help others...even those most important to us.

So grab the oxygen mask, folks...sleep the extra hour if you can. Drag yourself to the next workout because you know you'll feel better afterwards if you do. Give yourself permission to say "no" from time to time. Practice self-care. When you take those moments for yourself, when you suck in that first drag of pure oxygen, it will give you the energy you need to complete tasks you don't really want to do and thus free up more time for all the things you DO want to accomplish...like finally starting up that genealogy business you've been trying to open for two years (dang prolific relatives everywhere!)

Don't think of this as a resolution, think of it as a revelation--"now listen to MY declaration!" (See what happens when you start working out to the Hamilton soundtrack?) This is going to be my year...I'm getting my business back on track and refocusing my energies to be more disciplined and successful. What will be your declaration this year? Where are you headed and how will you get there?

Now then...who wants to help me build a website and a professional blog? I'm not above trading cookies or alterations or finding dead relatives in exchange. Just saying. ;)

Watershed Moments at SLIG Academy 2020

I have a confession.

Tom Jones terrifies me.

Or at least he used to terrify me. And no, I'm not talking about Tom Jones, the Welsh singer who doesn't find love unusual, but rather about Tom Jones, the genealogy legend who literally wrote the book on Mastering Genealogical Documentation. I've spent the last three years hearing tales of the man's encyclopedic knowledge and of the all-night study sessions required to finish homework for his advanced methods course. I admit I assiduously avoided those courses in spite of knowing I would be a better genealogist for taking them; “intimidation” doesn't even begin to cover it. Still, there's only so long you can plausibly avoid learning from the Jedi Master just because you're secretly afraid you aren't remotely in his league.

Now that I've finally had Dr. Jones for a few lectures, my perspective has changed dramatically.  Tom came into our Client Report Writing course this morning to present his twenty principles for Technical Writing, and again in the afternoon to fill in for the ailing Angela Packer McGhie. Tom was nothing less than stellar (not that I really expected anything else), but his depth of knowledge and the clarity of his presentations were still a revelation. As I sat in the morning session listening and watching slide after slide, I was immediately taken back to my grad school courses in English. Suddenly everything seemed so very familiar and the intimidation factor melted away. "You've got this" started playing on a loop in my brain and I began to believe. It certainly didn't hurt that Tom was both charming and impossibly patient with all our questions.

Being afraid I wasn't “in everyone else's league" has been a bit of a theme for me at this particular Salt Lake Institute of Genealogy (or SLIG for short), in part because I've been feeling like my professional journey had derailed in recent months and that I'd fallen behind my genealogy buddies.  I know, I know--it's foolish to compare my journey to anyone else's. Nor is my "delay" particularly surprising considering I spent most of the last two years discovering and then traveling to meet a plethora of new birth relatives. Let's face it, life is what happens when you'e busy making other plans. I don't regret a moment of the last two years because I can no longer imagine my life without these new family members, even if getting to know them meant I haven't always had as much time for traditional genealogical research as I might have liked.

Spending Tuesday morning learning from Tom was transformative, as was the opportunity to review BCG portfolios over lunch in my classroom. Several pages of copious notes later, I finally realized I've got that too. Much like a Tom Jones class to the uninitiated, the idea of building a certification portfolio can certainly be daunting but, once broken down into clearer and more manageable units (not unlike Tom's 20 principles of Technical Writing), the BCG portfolio magically becomes less frightening. Even if I'm not yet quite ready to go on the clock, I now know that when I do, I've got this. At the end of the day, we've all got this.

Nothing like a week and a half at SLIG to give you back your genealogy mojo, right?

Ultimately, that's what's so fabulous about about attending programs like SLIG--they provide you with opportunities to do so much more than deep-dive into a particular genealogical topic. Relationships are built both inside and outside the classroom, supplying attendees with invaluable connections for future collaboration and giving support and encouragement regardless where any of us are in our personal genealogical journeys. Institutes like SLIG allow us the rare privilege of learning from the best in our field--from mentors who help us to embrace our future by lighting our way through the darkness of our self-doubt.

What could be better than that?


P.S. Inspiration for this post may have struck yesterday, but it's still taken me two days to write up because Tom Jones now lives inside my head. I have heard his voice continually while writing and rewriting each paragraph ad infinitum; I have absolute faith that, should he choose, Dr. Jones could still strip this post by at least 20%. I know I have.

Mission accomplished, Dr. Jones...mission accomplished.

Watershed Moments at SLIG Academy 2020

I have a confession.

Tom Jones terrifies me.

Or at least he used to terrify me. And no, I'm not talking about Tom Jones, the Welsh singer who doesn't find love unusual, but rather about Tom Jones, the genealogy legend who literally wrote the book on Mastering Genealogical Documentation. I've spent the last three years hearing tales of the man's encyclopedic knowledge and of the all-night study sessions required to finish homework for his advanced methods course. I admit I assiduously avoided those courses in spite of knowing I would be a better genealogist for taking them; “intimidation” doesn't even begin to cover it. Still, there's only so long you can plausibly avoid learning from the Jedi Master just because you're secretly afraid you aren't remotely in his league.

Now that I've finally had Dr Jones for a few lectures, my perspective has changed dramatically.  Tom came into our Client Report Writing course this morning to present his twenty principles for Technical Writing, and again in the afternoon to fill in for the ailing Angela Packer McGhie. Tom was nothing less than stellar (not that I really expected anything else), but his depth of knowledge and the clarity of his presentations were still a revelation. As I sat in the morning session listening and watching slide after slide, I was immediately taken back to my grad school courses in English. Suddenly everything seemed so very familiar and the intimidation factor melted away. "You've got this" started playing on a loop in my brain and I began to believe. It certainly didn't hurt that Tom was both charming and impossibly patient with all our questions.

Being afraid I wasn't “in everyone else's league" has been a bit of a theme for me at this particular Salt Lake Institute of Genealogy (or SLIG for short), in part because I've been feeling like my professional journey had derailed in recent months and that I'd fallen behind my genealogy buddies.  I know, I know--it's foolish to compare my journey to anyone else's. Nor is my "delay" particularly surprising considering I spent most of the last two years discovering and then traveling to meet a plethora of new birth relatives. Let's face it, life is what happens when you'e busy making other plans. I don't regret a moment of the last two years because I can no longer imagine my life without these new family members, even if getting to know them meant I haven't always had as much time for traditional genealogical research as I might have liked.

Spending Tuesday morning learning from Tom was transformative, as was the opportunity to review BCG portfolios over lunch in my classroom. Several pages of copious notes later, I finally realized I've got that too. Much like a Tom Jones class to the uninitiated, the idea of building a certification portfolio can certainly be daunting but, once broken down into clearer and more manageable units (not unlike Tom's 20 principles of Technical Writing), the BCG portfolio magically becomes less frightening. Even if I'm not yet quite ready to go on the clock, I now know that when I do, I've got this. At the end of the day, we've all got this.

Nothing like a week and a half at SLIG to give you back your genealogy mojo, right?

Ultimately, that's what's so fabulous about about attending programs like SLIG--they provide you with opportunities to do so much more than deep-dive into a particular genealogical topic. Relationships are built both inside and outside the classroom, supplying attendees with invaluable connections for future collaboration and giving support and encouragement regardless where any of us are in our personal genealogical journeys. Institutes like SLIG allow us the rare privilege of learning from the best in our field--from mentors who help us to embrace our future by lighting our way through the darkness of our self-doubt.

What could be better than that?


P.S. Inspiration for this post may have struck yesterday, but it's still taken me two days to write up because Tom Jones now lives inside my head. I have heard his voice continually while writing and rewriting each paragraph ad infinitum; I have absolute faith that, should he choose, Dr. Jones could still strip this post by at least 20%. I know I have.

Mission accomplished, Dr. Jones...mission accomplished.

Labor (Day) of Love

Two years. It's been two years today. No doubt we all have those watershed moments that mark a significant change either in the trajectory of our lives or in our understanding of ourselves and those around us. I'm no different. In fact, just this morning Facebook promptly reminded me of one such occasion: that exceptional moment two years ago when I confirmed that I had a half-sister with whom I shared a different birth father than the man I'd spent the previous 5 years trying to find. (The fact that this particular revelation happened only one week into a 15-week genealogy course still confounds me. I suppose you could call it beginner's luck or perhaps poetic justice; to me it just confirmed that choosing genealogy as a new career path was clearly destined.) That initial discovery proved to be the first of many unexpected revelations over the next two years, and was one which ultimately led me to the rest of my story (not to mention enough siblings to field a [women's] lacrosse team, but that's a tale for another day). There's no denying the last two years have been full of twists and turns and highs and lows but I really wouldn't change a thing because the last two years have brought me to a host of interesting new people and a far better understanding of myself.

Honestly, I didn't want to believe it at first. And not because I wasn't interested in finding out more about my origins, but because the new facts I was suddenly given didn't quite jibe with the data I already had. I didn't understand how this new person could be my birth father when the guy I'd been chasing was the "right" age and in the right place at the right time. Moreover, I had DNA links to the guy's family tree!  How could some much older dude in Texas possibly be my birth father?? Well, turns out that's one of the things about genealogy; if you're going to do it properly, you have to learn to reëvaluate your preconceived notions and step outside the box...or possibly even on top of it. The more I researched this new potential bio-father while waiting for DNA files to be uploaded to GEDmatch, the more I started to put the pieces together for how this new guy could be the guy. It took another year to be able to reconcile my DNA matches with Dad #1, but I eventually learned I was related distantly to him through my birth mother's family. Frankly, I wouldn't be at all surprised to further discover that both Dad #1 and Dad #2 were distantly related, considering both they and my birth mother were all descended from Hoosier pioneer families who settled in and around Indianapolis. (Is Hoosier-cest a thing?) Anyway, in due course the relevant DNA was uploaded and I was able to confirm I did indeed have a new sister and the true identity of our shared birth father.

By the end of that year I'd learned of three additional new siblings (not counting the 5 born to Dad #2's wives), and a metric load of cousins. In fact, just this past Labor Day I had the inestimable privilege of attending a family reunion in Indianapolis with my sister Shan, where we met a third of our "new" cousins and their family members as well as the two living siblings of our birth father. I can't speak for my sister, but I felt like I'd come full circle--come home--at last. These new relatives were surprisingly gracious and welcoming in spite of my sudden appearance in the family and the complicated realities of my conception. They were curious (as well they might be). Many asked for my story and many shared their own (or at least parts of it), for which I was grateful. Over the course of the weekend I was asked repeatedly if I found the experience of meeting everyone overwhelming, but I truly didn't--at least not in the way they meant. Because I'd already interacted with most of them online, they weren't complete strangers to me--which certainly helped. The reality is I couldn't get enough of them. Of watching their expressions and mannerisms and seeing in those the echoes of my own. Of putting voices to faces and personalities to names. Of seeing cheekbones and smiles so very like my own. Of recognizing language phrasings and humor similar to my own. Of discovering so many musicians floating around. Of hearing my aunts' stories about their own youths and that of their siblings. My cousins and I may not have shared a common childhood, but we still share so many other things both tangible and intangible. (Genes don't lie!)  I even reveled in watching all these new cousins reacquaint themselves with each other and with their aunts, most of whom had not been together in 30+ years.  It was a glorious weekend all around, filled with love, laughter, and good food; I cannot thank my cousin Linda enough for orchestrating the whole reunion. Far from being overwhelmed, I only wish it could have lasted longer.

I returned home last week with a new and deeper understanding of myself, as well as a deeper appreciation of my adoptive family. We may not have had much growing up and I may have largely been an anomaly in my family, but I never doubted their love of me or support for me even when my interests and abilities were beyond their ken. I will always be grateful for the love and the life they gave me. I will also be eternally grateful to my new family for their openness and willingness to accept me at face value. They had every reason to be wary or cautious, yet chose unanimously to welcome me into their lives and their family and I can't wait to get to know them all better. I am doubly blessed.

Cousin Camp Family Reunion 2019 - Photo by Tom Meador.
(Because I was so busy meeting new people I never quite got around to taking many pictures so had to pinch some from my new cousins.
Hopefully they'll forgive me.)

Of course now I'm also two years behind all my genealogy classmates as far as getting a business off the ground, but I can live with that. The past 24 months have been more than worth it because now I know the rest of my story--both good and bad--and that's an amazing gift. For me, knowledge has always been power...if I can understand who I am, where I came from, and why I am the way I am, then I can use that understanding to surmount any obstacles that come my way. And that's no small thing.

Besides, who wouldn't want even more family to love? In fact, one of the best moments for me at my daughter's wedding earlier this year was watching the adoptive family who knew me at my worst back in the day and the new birth family who didn't hesitate to claim me 50-odd years later all hanging out together and laughing. As I sat back and watched them all interacting, my heart swelled with joy to see the two separate pieces of my past coming peaceably together to complete the puzzle of my life. Between that experience and the success of "Cousin Camp 2019," I am reminded once again of the poem my mother gave me long ago:

Legacy of an Adopted Child

Once there were two women who never knew each other.

One you do not remember, the other you call mother.

Two different lives shaped to make your one.

One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.

The first gave you life and the second taught you to live it.

The first gave you a need for love and the second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality; the other gave you a name.

One gave you the seed of talent; the other gave you an aim.

One gave you emotions; the other calmed your fears.

One saw your first sweet smile; the other dried your tears.

One gave you up - that's all she could do.

The other prayed for a child and God led her straight to you.

Now you ask through all your tears the age-old question through the years:

Heredity or environment - which are you a product of?

Neither, my darling, neither--just two different kinds of love.
~Author unknown

I will never be able to adequately describe what it's like to feel complete at last--to truly understand who I am and where I came from. Most people take that knowledge for granted because it's something they've always known and so something they've never needed to question. They've never had to know what it feels like to grow up with half of yourself missing. And that's okay. But for those of us who did grow up questioning, the chance to touch base both with those we already loved, as well as to connect on an almost molecular level with new people who share parts of our faces, our expressions, and our personalities is beyond priceless. 

Heredity or environment--which are you a product of? Neither, my darling, neither--just two different kinds of love.

Labor (Day) of Love

Two years. It's been two years today. No doubt we all have those watershed moments that mark a significant change either in the trajectory of our lives or in our understanding of ourselves and those around us. I'm no different. In fact, just this morning Facebook promptly reminded me of one such occasion: that exceptional moment two years ago when I confirmed that I had a half-sister with whom I shared a different birth father than the man I'd spent the previous 5 years trying to find. (The fact that this particular revelation happened only one week into a 15-week genealogy course still confounds me. I suppose you could call it beginner's luck or perhaps poetic justice; to me it just confirmed that choosing genealogy as a new career path was clearly destined.) That initial discovery proved to be the first of many unexpected revelations over the next two years, and was one which ultimately led me to the rest of my story (not to mention enough siblings to field a [women's] lacrosse team, but that's a tale for another day). There's no denying the last two years have been full of twists and turns and highs and lows but I really wouldn't change a thing because the last two years have brought me to a host of interesting new people and a far better understanding of myself.

Honestly, I didn't want to believe it at first. And not because I wasn't interested in finding out more about my origins, but because the new facts I was suddenly given didn't quite jibe with the data I already had. I didn't understand how this new person could be my birth father when the guy I'd been chasing was the "right" age and in the right place at the right time. Moreover, I had DNA links to the guy's family tree!  How could some much older dude in Texas possibly be my birth father?? Well, turns out that's one of the things about genealogy; if you're going to do it properly, you have to learn to reëvaluate your preconceived notions and step outside the box...or possibly even on top of it. The more I researched this new potential bio-father while waiting for DNA files to be uploaded to GEDmatch, the more I started to put the pieces together for how this new guy could be the guy. It took another year to be able to reconcile my DNA matches with Dad #1, but I eventually learned I was related distantly to him through my birth mother's family. Frankly, I wouldn't be at all surprised to further discover that both Dad #1 and Dad #2 were distantly related, considering both they and my birth mother were all descended from Hoosier pioneer families who settled in and around Indianapolis. (Is Hoosier-cest a thing?) Anyway, in due course the relevant DNA was uploaded and I was able to confirm I did indeed have a new sister and the true identity of our shared birth father.

By the end of that year I'd learned of three additional new siblings (not counting the 5 born to Dad #2's wives), and a metric load of cousins. In fact, just this past Labor Day I had the inestimable privilege of attending a family reunion in Indianapolis with my sister Shan, where we met a third of our "new" cousins and their family members as well as the two living siblings of our birth father. I can't speak for my sister, but I felt like I'd come full circle--come home--at last. These new relatives were surprisingly gracious and welcoming in spite of my sudden appearance in the family and the complicated realities of my conception. They were curious (as well they might be). Many asked for my story and many shared their own (or at least parts of it), for which I was grateful. Over the course of the weekend I was asked repeatedly if I found the experience of meeting everyone overwhelming, but I truly didn't--at least not in the way they meant. Because I'd already interacted with most of them online, they weren't complete strangers to me--which certainly helped. The reality is I couldn't get enough of them. Of watching their expressions and mannerisms and seeing in those the echoes of my own. Of putting voices to faces and personalities to names. Of seeing cheekbones and smiles so very like my own. Of recognizing language phrasings and humor similar to my own. Of discovering so many musicians floating around. Of hearing my aunts' stories about their own youths and that of their siblings. My cousins and I may not have shared a common childhood, but we still share so many other things both tangible and intangible. (Genes don't lie!)  I even reveled in watching all these new cousins reacquaint themselves with each other and with their aunts, most of whom had not been together in 30+ years.  It was a glorious weekend all around, filled with love, laughter, and good food; I cannot thank my cousin Linda enough for orchestrating the whole reunion. Far from being overwhelmed, I only wish it could have lasted longer.

I returned home last week with a new and deeper understanding of myself, as well as a deeper appreciation of my adoptive family. We may not have had much growing up and I may have largely been an anomaly in my family, but I never doubted their love of me or support for me even when my interests and abilities were beyond their ken. I will always be grateful for the love and the life they gave me. I will also be eternally grateful to my new family for their openness and willingness to accept me at face value. They had every reason to be wary or cautious, yet chose unanimously to welcome me into their lives and their family and I can't wait to get to know them all better. I am doubly blessed.

Cousin Camp Family Reunion 2019 - Photo by Tom Meador.
(Because I was so busy meeting new people I never quite got around to taking many pictures so had to pinch some from my new cousins.
Hopefully they'll forgive me.)

Of course now I'm also two years behind all my genealogy classmates as far as getting a business off the ground, but I can live with that. The past 24 months have been more than worth it because now I know the rest of my story--both good and bad--and that's an amazing gift. For me, knowledge has always been power...if I can understand who I am, where I came from, and why I am the way I am, then I can use that understanding to surmount any obstacles that come my way. And that's no small thing.

Besides, who wouldn't want even more family to love? In fact, one of the best moments for me at my daughter's wedding earlier this year was watching the adoptive family who knew me at my worst back in the day and the new birth family who didn't hesitate to claim me 50-odd years later all hanging out together and laughing. As I sat back and watched them all interacting, my heart swelled with joy to see the two separate pieces of my past coming peaceably together to complete the puzzle of my life. Between that experience and the success of "Cousin Camp 2019," I am reminded once again of the poem my mother gave me long ago:

Legacy of an Adopted Child

Once there were two women who never knew each other.

One you do not remember, the other you call mother.

Two different lives shaped to make your one.

One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.

The first gave you life and the second taught you to live it.

The first gave you a need for love and the second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality; the other gave you a name.

One gave you the seed of talent; the other gave you an aim.

One gave you emotions; the other calmed your fears.

One saw your first sweet smile; the other dried your tears.

One gave you up - that's all she could do.

The other prayed for a child and God led her straight to you.

Now you ask through all your tears the age-old question through the years:

Heredity or environment - which are you a product of?

Neither, my darling, neither--just two different kinds of love.
~Author unknown

I will never be able to adequately describe what it's like to feel complete at last--to truly understand who I am and where I came from. Most people take that knowledge for granted because it's something they've always known and so something they've never needed to question. They've never had to know what it feels like to grow up with half of yourself missing. And that's okay. But for those of us who did grow up questioning, the chance to touch base both with those we already loved, as well as to connect on an almost molecular level with new people who share parts of our faces, our expressions, and our personalities is beyond priceless. 

Heredity or environment--which are you a product of? Neither, my darling, neither--just two different kinds of love.

Floral Fiasco

Have you ever had one of those Mondays where you wake up exhausted, only to find yourself surrounded by a field of flowers whose glorious perfume is wafting headily around you like some sort of botanical crack you can't quite stop snorting? Yeah, me neither.

Until today, that is.

Today, as we speak, I have three rather large floral arrangements deployed about my kitchen, all of which feature Easter lilies of one variety or other. In fact, it's starting to look like Easter exploded (beware Weapons of Mass Resurrection), or perhaps as though Jesus were planning to resurrect himself directly from my basement (it is a little tomb-like, after all). Needless to say, this deluge of daylilies was not remotely planned, at least not by me. I'd like to say that some hot, passionate European man was trying to win my favor(s) by showering me with flowers, but alas that's not the case. Nor am I normally so popular as to warrant possessing multiple bouquets at once. The last time I had multiple bouquets was when my cousin and sister both happened to send me gorgeous floral arrangements for my birthday this year; receiving them was especially nice considering I had a fever at the time and was busy hacking up several internal organs for fun and profit. The number of times people have gifted me with multiple floral arrangements prior to that? Nada. Zero. Zip. Zilch. In other words, one less than the number of times I have voluntarily tried Brussels sprouts. Frankly, I want to be IN European countries like Brussels, not have them sprouting ominously inside my intestinal tract. But I digress.

Here's the thing: I love flowers. I blame my mother, who was so obsessed with them that I felt morally obligated to send her some for every birthday and Mother's Day once I'd left college. I love flowers almost as much as she did; I just don't love them so much that I'm willing to put in the necessary effort to grow and care for them. I overheat easily enough as it is and, let's face it, Tennessee and Georgia (where I spent most of my adult life) are not exactly friendly climes to the melanin-impaired. Nor have I been given flowers for the majority of my life. As a result, I occasionally send some to myself, especially at Thanksgiving or Christmas. Shut up...it is not sad and pathetic. (Okay, maybe a little.) Usually I prefer to order directly from local florists for the best selection and best bang for my buck, but sometimes it's difficult to resist the 25% off coupons with which Teleflora keeps wallpapering my mailbox.

Because I am excessively entranced by pretty glassware (yay, genetics!), I was particularly attracted to a flared turquoise vase used as the base of one of Teleflora's arrangements. Not only is turquoise my happy color, I figured I'd be far more likely to use this vase over the cheap, crappy clear glass vases one usually has lying around, so a couple of weeks ago I ordered the relevant arrangement. I requested delivery for Friday, April 19th to have it in time for Easter while not having to spend all day Saturday waiting on delivery. Instead, I waited all day Friday for a delivery that never came.

You will be MINE, you fabulously flared turquoise vase.
(Photo credit: Teleflora)

Friday evening I received an email confirming delivery. Say what, now? Naturally I called Teleflora for clarification. After what felt like three hours on hold, I finally spoke to a (theoretically) real person who promptly told me that I shouldn't have gotten the confirmation and that my arrangement would be delivered Saturday instead. I expressed polite displeasure at the delay but was basically blown off. Fine. I decided to wait and see what happened.

The next day I was up by 9 am in case the delivery arrived early...which it didn't. When it finally showed up around 2 pm, I was less than thrilled. The vase was lovely but was not the fabulously flared turquoise vase I was anticipating. The flowers, meanwhile, were awful. I realize one has to make allowances between what Teleflora pictures on its website and the reality of what any given local florist may have in stock at that particular moment, but what arrived was not remotely similar to the arrangement I'd purchased, not least because its pale pink roses looked as though they'd been drained of color by a horticultural vampire before being used violently as a flyswatter. Most of the petals were tatty and raggedy as though they belonged to whatever floral dregs had been left behind at some grocery store at 6 pm on Valentine's Day.

Sad flowers are sad.

Half-dead two-day-old roses FTW! The vase and tiger lily are pretty, though.

Now normally, I'm not much of a complainer. Okay, that's a lie. I complain all the time, same as everyone else...at home. Even so, I rarely bother to complain about things at stores or restaurants and such; most of the time I'm willing to give people the benefit of the doubt because I've worked in both retail and restaurants before and I just don't think complaining is usually worth the trouble. Then I looked at those sad, wilty roses and thought "Yeah, no." So I emailed Teleflora (gasp!). I politely suggested that the flowers I'd received were substandard, that the vase was not as pictured, and that the delivery fee had not been adjusted to account for the late delivery. Done and done.

Naïveté is not a good color on me.

An hour later, I received a second knock on the door and was presented with a second floral arrangement from a second florist. S'cuze me, what? I checked the enclosed card, which had the exact same wording and sentiment as the first arrangement. Okay, so not from somebody else. What the fresh hell? At least this arrangement was much prettier (not to mention much closer to the original online photograph); in addition to the giant blue hydrangeas (which I now permanently associate with my sister), it had FRESH roses festively sprayed with tinted glitter and was further festooned with colorful fake easter eggs. Sadly, it too lacked the fabulously flared turquoise vase. Still, it was a vast improvement over Delivery #1.

Happy flowers.

Boring vase.

I again emailed Teleflora, using the diplomatic version of "WTH??" to inquire why I now had TWO floral arrangements (neither of which possessed the vase that was my entire reason for ordering from them in the first place) and whether or not I had been double-charged for this plethora of petals. The real irony is that as if two bouquets weren't enough, I also still had the pretty azalea I'd purchased on Thursday with the (likely deluded) belief that I would plant it in the front flower bed before it dies.

I do love me some variegated blossoms.

Happy Easter to me--what a weird embarrassment of floral riches.

Sunday evening I received replies to my two emails from Teleflora. The first apologized for the substandard product and inaccurate delivery and informed me that I would be refunded $36.83 (which happens to be double the delivery fee I paid but way less than the cost of my order, so that makes sense). The second email confirmed that I wasn't charged twice; it further stated "The recipient may do what she would like with the arrangement that was in bad quality and keep the one that is in better shape or do what you would like with them." Okay, then. All's well that ends well, fabulously flared turquoise vases notwithstanding.

But wait! There's MORE!!!

This morning as I was leaving to go to my gym, I noticed a tag hanging off the front door handle; I foolishly assumed it was advertising. When I returned home and pulled it off the door, it turned out to be a notice from the same florist who'd sent the Happy Flowers, Boring Vase (sounds like a movie title, right? Like Crouching Dragon, Hidden Tiger?) Apparently they'd tried to deliver yet another arrangement yesterday. On Easter. When they're closed and half the city is at church. If I'd head-desked any harder, there would be a chalk outline of me draped over my laptop right now.

Seriously???

I called the florist and told them I'd received a hangtag.

"Name?"

"Stuart."

"Oh, yeah, we've got one for you right here. We received a complaint about quality and we take complaints VERY SERIOUSLY."

"Wait, WHAT??"

Fifteen minutes later I was still trying to explain the sequence of events that had led to this increasingly ridiculous situation, including assuring the lady that her arrangement had been absolutely lovely (incorrect vase notwithstanding) and that she had no need to send me another because the "substandard flowers" had come from a different florist (who conveniently left the company's name off the enclosed card and envelope). She would have none of it. She insisted that they wanted their customers to "be happy." She did rather fairly point out that it was impossible to keep every one of Teleflora's vases in stock and wished they would notate that on their website; she also expressed a justified frustration over Teleflora always mentioning quality complaints without specifying the nature of the quality issues, but she refused to be swayed by my pleas that her business was not at fault. She then informed me that she'd send the delivery guy over with the new arrangement and the "MUCH BETTER, MUCH PRETTIER VASE" right away.  (Insert mashup of a facepalm and scream emoji here.)

"FFS" didn't even begin to cover it by this point...I was starting to feel like I was in that episode of Friends where Phoebe's bank accidentally deposits an extra $500 into her account and when she tries to rectify the situation, she ends up with an additional $500 and a football phone. Things escalate further when she gives all the extra money to a homeless woman who then buys Phoebe a soda with a thumb in it, causing her to receive $7000 from the soda company. Apparently life now imitates art instead of the other way 'round, because you just can't make this shit up.

I delayed my post-workout shower for fear that Delivery Guy would arrive just as I was lathering up; instead I ended up marinating in my skanky workout gear for an extra hour and a half before he arrived. I think it was the same guy who brought the other arrangement on Saturday because he looked decidedly less pleased to see me again; I'm hoping it was just my stank and not him being all nonplussed and branding me the complainer I apparently am, but my expectations are low.

Arrangement #3...because there can never be enough flowers in one house.

MOAR HYDRANGEAS!!!

You certainly can't fault the Berlin Blossom Shoppe's customer service...major props to them. I give them 10 stars out of 5.

The new arrangement is also stunning, just like Florist #2's previous arrangement, and the "much better, much prettier" vase weighs enough by itself to bludgeon the troll from Harry Potter insensate or to breach a small castle. (Mmmm....castles.) I felt so badly for the second florist being made accountable for something they had not really done wrong that I even dug through my trashcan looking for the cellophane which had encompassed the original floral arrangement in the hope that it would have a sticker denoting the purveyor's name. Unfortunately for me and Florist #2, said cellophane appears to have evaporated into thin air. Perhaps Florist #1 snuck into my house and absconded with the evidence in order to cover its substandard tracks. If only I'd had the Crystal Bludgeoner 2000™ yesterday to greet him.

Ah, well...I tried. Now I have three generously-endowed vases of flowers (plus one bonus azalea) arrayed about my home for the low, low price of 2/3 the original cost of the first one, all because Teleflora's left hand didn't seem to know what its right hand was doing and because a local florist was wildly enthusiastic about rectifying an error it hadn't made.

This has all gotten entirely too ridiculous, even for me--there is absolutely no way I could have made all this up on my own. On the plus side, my house currently smells like Easter, Spring, and a botanical garden all rolled into one, and I am now extensively armed with leaded crystal weaponry. Plus I have leftover Honeybaked ham and I'm not afraid to use it.

Meanwhile, if anyone has a sick loved one or someone in the hospital who needs a pick-me-up, let me know. I juuuuuuust might have an extra flower or two lying around to share.